|
| AND BY | |
| 11.14.2006 | |
|
Today is November 15th, 2006 and there are 41 shopping days left till Christmas, which means I have 40 days of not having to worry about Christmas presents! Excellent. It's been a very un-fall like fall this year in Toronto. Went from hot and sunny straight to cold and rainy with about 3 days of real fall weather sandwiched in the middle. OK, clearly, I don't have much to write about today, but felt I needed to continue to put something in my journal as to not dissapoint my fan base (Deb).Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| THE DAYS GO BY | |
| 10.15.2006 | |
|
The days go by, they do indeed. It's been 2 months since my last journal, and there is only one person to blame -- Deb. Now, now, I'm sure she'll make up some ridiculous story about me having plenty of time to write a journal and that I'm just a lazy ol' coot, but we all know the truth *wink* *wink*. How about I do a little rewind and a little fast-forward. Rewind -- Mid September, my good friends Colin and James decided it was about time to pay respect to the untamed wilds of Ontario forests. Nature was calling and who were we to ignore it? Fast-forward -- what better way than a cottage near Georgian Bay which we managed to score through James, friends, neighbors, brothers, mothers (or some such complicated relation) cottage. A cozy A-framed house with 4 rooms and 10 beds, it smelt like burning wood and sat over a small Ontario lake - perfect. By day we tracked through parks and forests and by night we hunkered down on an old couch congratulating ourselves on our excellent ranger skills whilst playing video games and eating loads of BBQ'd meat. I came back home refreshed, in tune with nature and moderately bloated. Fast-forward -- weeks pass, and at the end of September another MRI pops up. This time I tamped down the high anxiety that I was having previously, by keeping constantly busy and active till the day of results. I found that really helped, and as they say - idle time is the devils playground (or some such nonsense). In any case, my results came back with no change and my anxiety recovery time was far less than previous. I will live by this technique from now on, as I've found there is no use wasting a week stressing youself to near illness. Fast-forward -- it's now mid-October, it's chilly out, my wife is gone for 4 days and I am a little bored, so I decided it was time to entertain myself with one of my charming little journals. Now that I've done that, I'm a little hungry so I think I'll read, eat some snacks, then head over to Colin’s and play some videogames. Soon to come, what Graham will be doing when his wife goes to Berlin for a week in November! Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| SEIZURE TIME AGAIN? | |
| 08.04.2006 | |
|
If you told me right now that very shortly I was going to lose a portion of the vision in my right eye, I imagine I'd be quite distraught, a little scared and darn right anxious. This was not at all how I reacted when on Wednesday at 10am a portion of my vision went missing. I was angry, real angry. I stomped around the house, bumping into things I was no longer seeing and swearing like a pirate. Thankfully and to the relief of my wifes decanters, I only ran into stable, non-fragile furniture. Within about 10 minutes the "blank part" of my vision shifted to my peripheral and I managed to calm down enough to call family for advice. Do I go to the hospital or stay put? If it was a seizure it might turn into a Grand Mal and I could end up twitching and wetting myself (again) on the sidewalks of Toronto. Interestingly, this seemed less offensive than twitching and wetting myself on our fancy and expensive couch -- so off I went to the hospital. It was only about 1/2 km to the hospital but with my vision messed and my brain feeling very fuzzy, 500 meters became much longer and after sitting down (and no, not peeing) on Yonge St. to regain my balance, I decided it was sensible to hail a taxi. When I booked into the ER I was seeing ok, but my head felt stuffed in a balloon and I was having trouble word finding. So much so that I couldn't come up with a way to tell them I was having "word finding" problems. The Doctor put me through a battery of tests as I tried to explain I had a "thing in my --" *point to head*. After about 20 minutes of prodding, miming and questioning she was able to figure out the issue and went off, I assumed, to discuss with a fellow doctor what she should do with this babbling oddity in her ER room. Unexpectedly the minute she left it was like a hot blanket was lifted off my head and I was completely back to normal. After a call to my neuro-onc and being threaten with a needle (think they called it a blood test), I scampered out of emergency and went back home. I had thought, due to the rapid onset and quick recovery it was some kind of focal seizure. But others have suggested it could have been a migraine since I also had a headache for the rest of the day. I've never had a migraine before and some of the symptoms were familiar to me from when I was getting "auras" taking Dilantin. Oh well, the fun never stops! Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| OUR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS | |
| 07.17.2006 | |
|
What a great weekend I thought to myself as I hurtled down a rapid called "The Garbirator" on the Ottawa river. I turned to my wife, opened my mouth to vocalize this insight and promptly aspirated half the Ottawa river when we were T-boned by a particularly energetic wave. Our inflatable raft which I affectionately named the "BARTON BASHER" was captained by an Irish lad who ferried us down 6 or 7 more equally exciting rapids, all the time yelling at us in his best pirate tone to paddle "HARRD FORWARD" or "HARRRD BACK" and other less hearty things like "GRAHAM STOP YER LILY DIPPING" and "GRAHAM, CLING TO THE BOAT, NOT ME!". Tears..., I mean, the Ottawa river stung my eyes as we punched our way through the surging waters for 4 more thrilling hours. In the end he begrudgingly told us we were a good crew as no one went over board, no one was lost at sea and the raft stayed almost completely up right! The next day, we were told there was to be a surprise event happening. As if rafting wasn't enough, my brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law had something else in store for us! After much questioning, begging and cajoling we were unable to crack their silly secret. Frustrated, we sulked in the back of the car till we arrived at a strangely placed helicopter pad on the outskirts of Carp - a small town north of Ottawa. Turns out there is a number of large underground bunkers made by the Canadian government during the cold war. Most are abandoned, but outside of Carp they constructed one of the largest of these bunkers called "Diefenbunker" and instead of leaving it to decay, they turned it into an incredible museum. Having been manned up till about 10 years ago it was still in great shape with a lot of the original fittings and tech in place. It was quite an experience to go 4 stories underground and for a short period imagine what it might be like to live in terrifically claustrophobic bunker. Personally, I think I'd take the bomb over the bunker. Thanks Andrew and Nicole, we had the best time EVER and are looking forward to you coming down to visit Toronto. Remember to order your first class train tickets early to get that sweet deal! Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| DOWN IN THE DUMPS | |
| 06.29.2006 | |
|
MRI results = no change. I find myself in a strange place though -- you would expect me to come out of these appointments cheering to the high heavens that there has been no change. Instead, I have a little thought creeping up along side the relief and this little dark thought wishes it was over. It wishes that the tumor would just show its ugly face and be done with it, the quicker the better. I don't know if it's weak of me to think this; it just seems living life in 3 month intervals isn't a natural way of existing. The inability to look towards your future is tiring and stressful and sad. I find myself hoping I'll live till Debs 35th birthday, or Christmas with the family or Spiderman 3 (yes I'm excited about Spiderman 3 :). Thankfully, if I remain active physically and mentally, this nag becomes a soft dull whisper that I only notice on those few dark, fitful nights before and after MRI results. ******** It's been a few days since I wrote this sad little journal and the sun is now out and the sky is blue and I just had a great holiday weekend at my parents cottage. That little whisper is gone and things look much better. I'll dig up some pictures soon. Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| EUROPEAN VACATION | |
| 06.20.2006 | |
|
It all started innocently enough. A biking trip from Vienna to Budapest in 6 days; easy for a couple of seasoned athletes such as our selves. Little did we know the trials, tribulations and self abuse we were about to endure. Yes, the bike paths were flat, smooth and plentiful. Yes, our luggage was dropped at each wonderful pre-booked pension we stayed at. Yes we had a fantastic time and great bikes. But, by golly did I stuff a lot of schnitzel in my body. Deb even felt I was beginning to look a little battered and pan-fried by the time we got to Hungary. Even biking 60 km a day I was full the entire trip. It wasn’t that I purposefully decided to eat schnitzel everyday. It was the poor English menu translations and possibly my less than fluent (2 words to date) grasp of the Hungarian language. Either way, everything I ordered turned out to be some form of schnitzel. Schnitzel on rice, schnitzel with potatoes, schnitzel with bacon, schnitzel sandwiches, chicken schnitzel noodle soup, schnitzel and eggs – in any case, it took 2 whole weeks upon returning to Toronto before I could stomach another schnitzel. Wow, 2 paragraphs on schnitzel. Some other highlights; cozy towns, great forests, beautiful churches, the Danube, Bratislava (highly recommend a visit there, gorgeous old city section), hot pools, Budapest and Hotel Andrasse. Sorry folks, I’m schnitzeled out. Wish me luck, MRI results forthcoming. Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| SHAME | |
| 06.09.2006 | |
|
I'm pretending it's November 2005 -- having said that, very little has passed since my last journal and I'm just disappointed that none of you have commented on anything I've written in the last 6 months. No feedback, no appreciative e-mails. Nothing. Ok. So you say that I haven't written anything in 6 months. Well... all I can say to that is... Even if it has been 6 months, it's a moot point, I'm writing one now so stop whining. I understand there is a good chance I'll be the only one that will read this and any forthcoming entries, but I find myself quite funny so this is going to work out great. What has happened since my last journal? Quite a healthy batch of things in fact. Many babies have been born in my inner circle of friends and family. Some unexpected divorces. Some marriages. Deb and I have found ourselves in some wonderful vacations. I have gone through a few MRIs with little to no change. We ground through winter and are now digging our claws into summer. Life has been good to me and I've been enjoying as many minutes as I can. My hands are cramping up with all this journal writing so I'll finish quickly. I promise to my reader(s?) that I will write very shortly with some delicious recollections of our latest vacation. I would also like to say that anyone who is actually reading this is damned gorgeous. Here is my absolutely wonderful wife who promised to read my journal if I put pictures of her up. :) Thanks baby! Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
 |
| RESULTS | |
| 10.31.2005 | |
|
Naturally, I’m a little behind on my journals -- it’s safe to say my middle name is not “consistent”. So
where were we? I think meandering somewhere in September? So, I’ll do this quick and dirty; as September waned
into October I found myself back on the medical table waiting for a new round of MRI results. As usual I went
through the cold sweats, hot stress, nervous laughs, pounding heart and all that comes with the chance that I’ll be
back on the operating table in 2 days having my brain dissected. Well, not this time. Things still seem to be staying on the straight and steady path. The difference this time ‘round is that I now have a luxurious 3 months of no MRI, no chemo, no needles, no hospitals, just peace and quiet spent with my wife, my family and my friends. So, a month has passed since then, and I’m writing this spooky little journal on Halloween morning. I feel good, I’m back into a regular climbing regime and trying to eat my veggies (including, of course, my daily dose of hamburgers, fries, chocolate bars, chips, pop, ice cream, butter, cake, donuts and of course a bucket of freshly fried chicken). Kidding sweet heart! On to the really exciting news (for us) is our upcoming trip to Costa Rica. Hello sandy beaches, all-you-can-eat deliciousness and warm ocean fun. Is my excitement showing? Anyways, enough bragging, I don’t like to be one of those people who wax on and on about some trip they are having in 4 weeks where they’ll be surfing and swimming and relaxing and exploring jungles and having piles of fun with their beautiful wife. No, I’m not. That is all I have to report at the moment, except that it’s my wonderful Mother's 60th birthday on November 3rd. Happy birthday Mom! Love, Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| GRAND MAL ET AL | |
| 09.20.2005 | |
|
Feeling particularly perky, we eschewed the classic Canadian Labor Day Weekend/Traffic rush to the
cottage and spent a grand old time hanging out in Toronto. We are getting very proficient at coming up with great
money-spending excuses. That weekend it was; "Well, renting a car for the long weekend would cost $200, plus $150
on gas so we are saving $350 by NOT going to the cottage". So, instead, we spent $350 IN Toronto eating out, buying
junk and happily justifying the whole thing -- pretty impressive eh? Well we think so. Our favorite event was going out to classic British afternoon tea, where I impressed everyone by eating 2.5 scones with a full compliment of Devonshire cream and homemade jam plus 4 cute little sandwiches, 4 or 5 little petite fours and a least a dozen cups of tea. I could've eaten more, but I felt that might be a touch rude -- you know how those stuffy Brits* can be. We also enjoyed eating out at a few new places, we went swimming we saw some terrible movies and did some healthy clothes shopping. In particular I bought myself a nice new blazer. So all was wonderful until last week when my brain decided to fuss up and I had a Grand Mal Seizure. Fortunately this was the first Grand Mal Seizure since I was diagnosed 1.5 years ago. Unfortunately it is an unwanted reminder that I am still very much balanced on the keen edge of a knife. Also, unfortunately, it's sunk the last 10 days since our wonderful weekend into depths of paranoia. Debs main concern being that I will fall and smack my head, my main concern being that I'll publicly loose control of my bowels or some similarly embarrassing public event. I suppose we all have our priorities. At any rate, even with 2 Grand Mal Seizures behind me, I am one of the luckier ones and I try to appreciate that. You like pretty colors? Check out some pictures of my recent Killareny canoe trip why don't you? Graham *Not including any Brits I know, you are all smashing. Comments & Questions : click here |
 |
| MELANGE | |
| 08.23.2005 | |
|
As you may have noticed, I've done a little updating on my journal site. I decided to change the photo
format so that I'm not limited to just 3 images. So, what does this mean to you? A lot more nudity, that's what.
I wasn't sure what kind of entry to write today, so I'm just going to throw up a melange of stuff. For instance, my
famous 6-pack that had turned into a 1-pack over the last year got me thinking that it was time to get off the
couch. So over the last month, I've got myself back into climbing and I've started swimming laps and biking. It
feels great; I highly recommend getting off the couch (unless it's a REALLY good show). I have also made the decision to stop my Temozolomide treatments for now. The NO's made some good points in our last meeting and I just couldn't bring myself to start another week of fatigue and nausea. I know I talked tough in my last journal, but you all know by now I'm really all thunder with no lightening behind it. Now, now, quell your disappointment already, I don't plan on disarming myself completely; I'm going to try a homeopathic treatment that has received some attention lately, something called Ruta 6x combined with Calcium Phosphate. If nothing else, it'll give the illusion that I still have a barricade up against the cancer, no matter how weak it may be. More news, you ask? As a matter of fact I do -- Deb and I feel that now is the time. I know this will be unbelieveable and unexpected to most, but after 2 months of living in our condo and a lot of heart-felt discussions, we've decided to have.... wait for it... new carpet installed in the bedroom!! Why what did you think I was going to say? Oh gosh you guys, just go view some random photos. Look for the numbers at the top of the page and click on them to view an image -- I will add descriptions soon! Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| TREATMENT OPTIONS | |
| 07.24.2005 | |
|
We are at a crossroad in my treatments; our NO (Neuro Oncologist) suggests it's time to discontinue my
Temodal treatment. We listened quietly to their reasoning: 1) Your tumor hasn't regressed for 3 months indicating Temodal is no longer doing its job. 2) Staying on Temodal may cause the tumor to become immune, making it ineffective for any future tumor progression. 3) You can't stay on it forever, it's too toxic and although the side effects aren't bad now, who knows what it could turn in to. The rational side of me (my wife) insisted that, really, it WAS working otherwise it would be growing and that we should keep on it. What I think maybe the "tumor side" of me argued that if I removed chemo, my world would no longer be tainted with nausea and exhaustion and that it would give me $100 and all the cake in the world. That tumor side is pretty persuasive. Thankfully the rational side convinced me that we needed more information and that we should have one more round of chemo before making any decisions. Time has passed and we are approaching our next appointment. We haven't made a definite decision, but we have lots of new questions thanks to our best friend, the internet. We should ask for a P.E.T. scan to see if there is any tumor activity. We should ask them for any novel treatments we could use in place of the chemo. We were told if we aren't satisfied with their response, we should shop around and see what the other pros think. Now, at least, we can go in armed with some pertinent questions. For now, we won't take "no" for an answer (as long as the rational side gives me some cake). Here are some pictures of our trip to New Zealand in December of 2003. Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| MRI RESULTS | |
| 07.12.2005 | |
|
So, nothing like an MRI results appointment a day after returning from a wonderful, fun, fantastic
vacation. Generally, I feel fine the day before, I'm fine the morning of, I'm fine on the walk to the clinic, I'm even fine in the clinic waiting room, it's when "Graham Barton" echoes down the hallway that I suddenly find myself bathed in the "MRI sweats". MRI Sweats Definition: palms become cold and moist, heart starts pounding, little moisture forms on the upper lip, testicles retreat, tense across the shoulders and blood drains from the face. I'm not lying, I'm pretty sure you can find it in any legitimate medical booklet. It's a tortuous experience; the room is stark, the wait is an awful, eternal 15-20 minutes and you can hear him leaving messages about previous patients symptoms, health and treatment, which is rarely positive. Fortunately, our NO is kind enough to march into the room confidently saying "Your MRI looks fine". I am not looking forward to the day he drags himself in, slumps down on a chair and sighs -- or whatever he does when he has bad news. So the news was good. Not great, no shrinkage (as was indicated at our last MRI) but also, no growth. Unfortunately, my loving wife feels that these results mean it is time to spruce up my diet; broccoli, seaweed, sprouts, soya things, fish, sushi, no sugar, no donuts, no gummi bears, no burgers, no delicious-yummy-things-that-Graham-likes. I'm really hoping there will shortly be a trial released on the positive effects of "BigMac Combo" therapy on Brain Tumors. I managed to get some before and after surgery MRI picks. The first 2 are before and the second 2 are after. I have to say, that is one impressive tumor. Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| AMSTERDAM GOOD TIME. | |
| 07.04.2005 | |
|
In a flash of brilliance my mother suggested that between MRI's (every 3 months) Deb and I should go for
a little trip. Never one to start small, we decided to go to Amsterdam! We could only afford 5 days due to work and cost hindrances. Granted, 5 days in Amsterdam is plenty exhausting and turned out to be just about the right amount of time. We spent the first 3 days wandering around the city, admiring the buildings, the people, and the cafe's. If I’m going to be honest, it was really 3 days of sitting in cafe's drinking, well, cafes. Due to the rather inconvenient time change, my body remained convinced that 5pm in Amsterdam was time for sleep. Day 4 we took a tour around Holland; our wonderful host for the first half had a spectacular accent that unfortunately English speaking people couldn't understand. To summarize the tour, Holland is flat has lots of cheese and there are windmills. When we arrived back in Amsterdam we decided it was time to relax 'Dam style. We huffed and we puffed and blew a few rounds of marijuana and had a fun old evening. I think my BT is still a little stoned. Day 5 was our last day so we decided to use some 'Dam style transport and rented a bike. Course some damn 'Dam style weather cropped up and it rained the entire time we had the bikes. We are tough Canadians so we tottered around the city till we were thoroughly soaked and retired in a wonderful restaurant and enjoy some truly fantastic Dutch food. Our flight back was an unspectacular affair that started at something like 4am (which I didn’t even realize existed) and involved sugar crazed children crying and jumping around for 8 hours. Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
|
| HISTORY UP TO NOW. | |
| 06.20.2005 | |
|
You will have to forgive these first few journals. I always find it takes a while to get the writing
inertia going. I am going to make it easy on myself and very simply recount the history of Graham Barton with BT
(Brain Tumor). Previous to January 07, 2004 I was just Graham Barton, but when I had a sudden Grand Mal Seizure
flying home from a wonderful vacation in New Zealand, I was granted the "BT" title whether I liked it or not.
So, aside from scaring the crap out of my wife-to-be Deborah and my parents, the actual Grand Mal wasn't so bad. I
briefly lost control of my muscles (thank goodness I hit the bathroom 15 minutes before) heard some funny noises,
saw some strange visuals and woke up 30 minutes later with everyone standing around me, scared shitless. To keep
things positive, having a Grand Mal on a trans-pacific flight gives you a good excuse to be moved up to first class! At Toronto General Hospital I had a CT scan. Strangely enough, the only thing I was worried about was getting the needles. Never been a big fan. Once I found out there was a "large mass" in my brain, my fear of needles went to the background and my fear of a "large mass" in my brain came to the foreground. In a whirlwind of scans and needles and appointments over 3 or 4 days, I was suddenly lying on a table getting prepped for surgery and counting down from 100,99,98....... Aside from some initial word finding problems a sore jaw, a catheter (pretty handy while it's in, but no fun taking it out) and one bad needle that deflated all the veins on my left arm (I was proud of those veins), it really wasn't too bad. So recovery went on for a few weeks and the hunk of "mass" they gouged out of my brain was studied. I was in a pretty good way, then we went in for our diagnosis. Out of everything I've gone through with this BT, that was the least fun. No one wants to hear Glioblastoma Multiforme along with "6-12 months to live". Time passes, I go through 6 weeks of radiation with Temodal, I comb the internet for information, I joined the wonderful BRAINTMR and brain-temodal mailing lists, I gathered and filtered and read and studied until my abused brain couldn't take it. In the midst of this chaos I found some peace and got as ready to die as I could and with my wife's help got equally as ready to fight. I know without her, I probably wouldn't be writing this journal today. So here we are, 18 months later, somehow I have escaped a recurrence thus far and I haven't succumbed to the toxicity of Temodal. At this stage, we wait and watch but mostly we enjoy life and each other as best as we can. Graham Comments & Questions : click here |
 |